Greetings & salutations Metropolitan readers!
I’m a native from the D but recently moved to LA, land of palm trees, sunshine, & starving actors. Ahhh… At my last apartment, I had the most obnoxious neighbors. I wanted to put dog poop under the handles of their car doors. I moved 2300 miles only to find that I live next door to more idiot savants. In Detroit, we’d be sitting around a bonfire sipping IPA’s while recanting similar stories. In LA, we’d be kickin’ it at The Roger Room in West Hollywood ranting over a $15 martini. No matter where we’re at, it’s all the same. Here’s a letter I wanted to leave my former neighbors.
Dear Neighbor,
We’ve never met in person but I’m the gal that lives below you. I wanted to thank you tremendously for banging during the early hours on a weeknight at 3am, 5am, & 7am. People have things to do like get up early for work or sleep in. The last thing I need is to hear some chick moaning & a headboard banging against the wall. Did you think I wasn’t gonna hear that shit? The walls are paper thin like shaved deli ham. It’s like hearing two cats fight in an alley. Not only that, you kept your windows open. I’m an awful insomniac & now I get the honor to wake up to your sexual grunting followed by loud footsteps to your kitchen. Better get that cool drink of water. It sounded like you worked real hard getting your sweat on! And I loved the drunk talk about the Brittany/Steve drama at some cheese bar in Royal Oak.
So let’s recap: I get the privilege to hear your conversations about some tools followed by your animalistic banging. I’m all for getting laid but this is an apartment building where everyone can hear you. Thank goodness I don’t get the view! I felt compelled to come upstairs to high five you for getting laid & then punching you in the trachea for waking me up. I’m right below your horny ass. What’s worse is when I see you, I can now put a face to the groans of ecstasy. I can’t make eye contact with you as I’ll burst into sadistic laughter. Suggestion: Move your bed away from the wall. And for fuck sake, close your windows.
Sincerely,
Your Neighbor (who wants to beat your ass)
Nikki Boch
PS Please don’t attempt the porn business. You’ll most likely be rejected. Just wanted to give you constructive criticism before you pursue your dream career with Vivid Entertainment. You’re welcome.